I think too much. Way too much.

I think so deep into things. The future, the past, the people, my challenges, my opportunities, and my failures, and my successes.  it’s all on my mind.

I’m not gonna lie, I miss some of my old friends. I miss the good times, the jokes, and the secrets we shared. Things happen and people change….ohh well.

Growing up and not talking to each other anymore and then thinking how someone used to be so important… urgh it’s such a disgusting feeling and thought.

The thing is that I have wayyy too much going on in my life, problems that is between my friends and family.

Sometimes I would rather die (in a non-painful way) than have to deal with things. It’s selfish of me, but hey. It’s just that… it’s so hard to escape. No matter where I go, my problems always seem to follow me, crawling up my back and bringing me down with all its weight. Its sucks knowing that you can’t change people, or the world. I don’t believe that I can do this world any good as a whole.

(Prepare for ranting/stories/thoughts)

Anyways, speaking of friends, I’m starting to get really tired of all the shit they are involving me into all of a sudden (Especially this year and probably the first time I’ve ever been involved in stressful drama with friends). I already have a whole shit loads of problems I have to face given by my family, especially from my father and his side of the family. I’ve never liked any of them much. They all treat my mom, my siblings and I like were pieces of shit.

Seriously, I had enough. I don’t need all of their shit combined with my friends shit put together and thrown at me.

So family…

My family is very complicating. My parents occasionally have been fighting ever since I can remember. They’re moral enemies: Tiger(father) vs. Dragon (mother) find it funny? Trust me; it’s not funny at all… I hate it. And it’s not one of those verbal fights like most parents have, it’s beyond that. Glass shatter, physical fights, lots of yelling.

For a very long time, my mother had been saving up her money for my grandfather to repay him for buying our family a house since she was 29, Instead, in 2008 my father stole her money and bought my aunt and her family a house. After buying the house, my aunt didn’t want to pay the mortgage and decided to steal all the money to herself and ran away, making my father’s credit go bad and adding more of a burden onto my mother’s shoulder. I’ve never seen my mother cry so much. She had suffered living with my father’s family for years, treating her like trash, not once did they appreciate for what she has done for them. When she cried, it was one of the most heartbreaking scene of my life.

Since then, I’ve raged and hated my father and his side of the family more than anything and never trust them ever again. My two siblings and I had made a promise to my mother that we’d grow up to rebuild the money for my mother to repay her father. After the deed is done, we also promised each other to take care of her and her loving folks whom we can actually call a true, loving family. My mother saw the coming light and moved on since; supporting her three kids in earning the best future we could ever dream of.    

Speaking of which, I want real love, and no I’m not talking about all the romantic lovey dovey feeling. I want something that gives me a stupid smile and a laugh at the first thought of it. The one that gets to me. I want something casual and passionate. And for that, I guess I need someone that will love me, and again not necessarily a romantic way but like a casual friendly way.

I want someone to love me for all the right reasons. I want someone to appreciate and understand me, and I only hope I can do the same for them. I want them to be consumed by how much they care for me, again a feeling only I could reciprocate. We would always get along well and be happy. We could talk about anything, big or small, and they could help me with even my silliest of problems. 

I don’t know why I have to say this. I don’t even know why I have to say it now. But this is what I want. This is something that perhaps everyone wants but is steered away from because of other life experiences. Regardless of any of this, of anything that has happened or has yet to happen, I hope I find it. 

I hope we all do.

Anyways, I just hope that, overall, my life will get better. You know what they say; bad things must happen in order for goods things to happen and make life a whole lot better.